Harry Potter and the Clean but Unfolded Laundry
by Kimberlass
Summary: Harry, sadly, cannot go to Hogwarts due to the increasing amount of laundry in the Dursley household. Dumbledore is hiding out under a stairwell. Snape poisoned by Spam. A vicious thumb war! Oh the thrills and horrors of HPCUL!
1. Getting Harry Out of the Way

Harry Potter and the Clean but Unfolded Laundry  
  
Authors Note: To fully understand the story, there are a few things you need to know. Much of the humor in this story is family related, mostly references to my Aunt who hates me because she is all "The Lord against Harry Potter!" Harry Potter and the Bible is an actual book, along with other equally ludicrous books of that subject. (I am also especially spiteful towards my aunt because she is against homosexuals, and one of my best friends is gay.) The original first chapters were typed on a typewriter that was out of correcting ribbon. It got to the point that large sections of the story were made from me trying to be slick about correcting typos.  
~*~  
  
Chapter one, Part one: Getting Harry out of the way  
  
Harry Potter sat at his desk reading the book Harry Potter and the Bible for the first time since he had received it. His Aunt Jackie, whom he has never met before the visit, came in from the states, she brought it to him as a present. He had just assumed that it was a polite gesture; a personalized Bible. He couldn't have even guessed how wrong he was. It had turned out that thousands of people across the world had immensely boring lives; they depended on hating him as a form of recreation. Not only that, but they had written a large amount of books about it, as well.  
  
"Interesting" Harry said to himself, thinking back to his reaction to the gift. His aunt had scowled as he thanked her, explaining that it was on the gay/straight alliance's list of recommended reading list. It was a while before his mistake dawned on him; it had really been on the list of books to burn and dance on the ashes of.  
  
Harry closed the book, and set it aside. He then got out what remaining homework he had and began to read over the confusing topic again. It was a very strange topic, indeed, assigned by his least favourite professor, Snape. The topic had been to explain the mysterious powers of Spam, and to describe its effect on every day life. It had been the most confusing topic he had ever come across, so he saved it for last.  
  
I guess I should explain to you that Harry Potter is not your average teenage boy who cries in the dark. Oh no, Mr. Potter is much to cool for that! He is a wizard teenage boy who cries in the dark. Now, now, before you run off to a book burning moron-fest, I should note that this is fictional! If you have any remarks about how God feels about Harry, let me clue you in. Nobody cares, and you need to be shot in the face!  
  
Moving on.  
  
As Harry began to write about his extremely odd topic, he heard his other insane aunt call him from the laundry room.  
  
"Harry! Come tend to this clean, but unfolded laundry!" she screeched in her most unpleasant manner.  
  
"Yes Aunt Petunia." Harry sighed, as he stood up and began to trudge into the hallway and down the stairs to the laundry room. Thousands of miles away, a boy named Ron Weasley dropped his toast butter side up.  
  
Chapter one, Part two: On with the story!  
  
Ron Weasly clutched his calf. The scar on it had suddenly burned as though a hot wire had been pressed to it. He looked down at the scar that perfectly depicted a pile of clean, but unfolded laundry. He knew that someone, somewhere, had been doomed to a laundry room.  
  
His first instinct was to send an owl to Hermioone. But then he realized that there was no such person as "Hermioone", and then he thought to send an owl to Hermione. But then he realized she was studing the lack of differences between churches and cults this summer. But then he realized that you couldn't really say someone was "studing" something like that. So he finally came to the conclusion that he couldn't owl Hermione because she was off studying the differences, or lack thereof, in churches and cults.  
  
Ron's scar had been earned by not replying to his mothers request to fold laundry three times in a row.  
  
Why, you may be asking yourself in the privacy of your own home, do so few people know about Ron's mysterious scar? Because, it's just not as cool as a lighting shaped scar caused by surviving an un-survivable curse.  
  
Ron secretly resented Harry. He had bee thrilled to go to Hogwarts and show off his scar and tell his story, but then Harry had shown up, and he obviously couldn't compete with that.  
  
Hermione discovered the scar when.  
  
Well.  
  
This is a children's book, so SHE JUST KNOWS!  
  
*cough*  
  
Anyway, Ron picked up his toast and ate it, deciding it didn't matter, and neither did the 5 second rule.  
  
~*~  
~*~  
~*~ I would like to dedicate this first chapter to my wondrous cousin Lauren, who helped me map out the later parts in this anecdote, and shares the same witty thoughts (mostly, anyhow) as I do when it comes to topics such as this. 


	2. Where oh where has the old man gone?

(Hell yes, I'm moving along...sorry for the delay)   
  
Chapter one: Where oh where has the old man gone?  
  
Insert 400 pages of boring home life here.  
  
After Ron and Hermione has finished fighting off the deranged house elves of doom, the quickly made their way to the train station. Harry, sadly, could not make it to school this year due to the increasing amount of clean, but unfolded laundry in the Dursley household. Although it had been a mildly exciting summer, nobody really cared about that crap, and it seemed so excruciatingly long. In fact, summer vacation had seemed longer and longer every time it came about. Everyone just wanted to get back to school where the REAL excitement was.  
  
So, to cut down a little bit more on what I could really, really drag out, the two hopped into the Weasly's family car, sped of the train station, and zoomed off to Hogwarts.  
  
Yes, feel free to marvel how I just skipped so many details that your head is spinning now. But at least you didn't have to read 10 chapters of crap.  
  
Anyway, as the two reached the great hall for the sorting and the feast, they realized a certain amount of tension in the air. The professors were shooting each other nervous glances, and whispering in a way they must have considered discretely.  
  
"What do you think has got everyone in a stir?" Hermione asked Ron, who shook his head, wondering the same thing himself. They took their seats at the Gryffindor table, and listened to the gossip from the kids around them.  
  
"I heard Snape poisoned Dumbledore and now schools going to be out for a whole year" Neville Longbottom said with a twisted smile. Neville had some personal problems that were rarely revealed to the public, but that's a completely different story.  
  
"Shut up Neville, you're fat and nobody likes you." Ron said.  
  
"But..." Neville started  
  
"No," Ron cut him off, "you're dumb, you're ugly, you're a waste of oxygen, and you need to shut up."  
  
"Ron!" Hermione protested. "I've never seen you like this! I really quite like it!" she smiled a naughty grin, and then she...  
  
Oh, I'm forgetting that this is for kids again...  
  
Anyway, at the head of the room Professor McGonagall was silencing the murmuring with her waving hand. Everyone focused on her, and wondered what was going on. She looked a little teary eyed, and her lips were drawn into a tight line. Hermione and Ron weren't the only ones to notice that Professor Snape, and Dumbledore were missing from the head table. Neville shot Ron a smug look.  
  
"Excuse me for not informing you all on what is going on, but we will go through the sorting and then all of you will be lead directly to your rooms, "she said, and then sat down, causing the room to explode in angry shouts, but everyone quickly quieted as the old gray hat on a stool in the front of the room cleared its "throat" (or the hat equivalent).  
  
The first years looked extremely nervous, and Ron laughed aloud at the sight of one particularly funny looking one, causing the entire room to look at him. "Oh...umm..." he scrambled for something to say, but the hat saved him with an enormous yawn.  
  
All of a sudden it burst into song.  
  
"I sit on this damned stool 364 days a year. And up until this day I've never shed a tear. You don't seem to realize what it's like being a hat. Nope, you're all humans, just ugly dumb and fat  
  
So that's it, I'm done, this is my very last song. I've been working at this gay job for much too long. I'm done singing and I'm done with you all. And as far as I am concerned, my anger is your fault  
  
So don't sit me on your greasy hair. Don't touch me with your sticky hands. Because, you know frankly I don't care. And I'm not taking your demands"  
  
And with that, the hat fell silent, and everyone in the great hall gaped.  
  
"Well, err, from you to you, "professor McGonagall pointed to a group of children," You are in Slytherian, and you all are in Gryffindor, and the rest of you...oh, the hell with it, go where you want, and then get to your rooms" and everyone scurried about.  
  
Chapter two intermission!  
  
Harry sat in the darkness of his room missing Hogwarts, and decided he needed some banana pudding. He crept from his bed and to his trunk of things, and opened it up, only to reveal that, gasp, his invisibility cloak was missing!  
  
Back to the action! (And I swear, that had nothing to do with Dumbledore gone missing!)  
  
As everyone made their way to their rooms, they heard a mysterious laughing from under the stairwell. But everyone just assumed it was peeves, and someone said "Shut up peeves, get a life!" and the laughter abruptly stopped.  
  
But had anyone listened closer there was still a soft giggling, summing from under the stairs, under an invisibility cloak...  
  
UNTIL NEXT TIME!  
  
Hehehe, sorry about the immense amount of gayness in this chapter, but I was having some trouble writing. But hey, I got it done! And, this goes out "to my happenin' laddie from the FC, Nikos! You da lad!" And to Lauren, once again. Both of them are just so freaking cool... 


	3. Loyd Potter Like Whoa

Once again I am typing for you fine people, my coffee mug my only company. Yeah, yeah, it's been almost a year, but I write only during the summer because it's my thing. Just to avoid repetitious comments, find the appropriate answer for your question here: "No, I am not doing any drugs," "Wow buddy, I AM a Christian, go me!", "Yes, I do have a sick sense of humour. Come off it", and "No, I am not accepting marriage proposals at this time." As long as your answer isn't there, feel free to comment :-D Now! Marvel at my ability to add a completely new person from no where!  
  
Chapter 3: Floyd Potter Like Whoa  
  
Floyd Potter walked to the Gryffindor common room, greeted by the usual clapping crowd, and posters saying things such as 'WE LOVE YOU, FLOYD!' and things of that sort. He loved all of the attention, but every now and then signing autographs and taking pictures with fans could get a little tiring. Although he did like all of the attention from the gu..err..girls.  
  
"Floyd...Floyd, I was wondering if...youcouldsignthisforme" a timid first year asked him as he made his way to the door. He sighed at the sight of the child holding up his pet toad, and sharpie for approval.  
  
"You want me to sign your toad?" he asked, a little confused (and worried about the toxic effects on the frog). But before the boy could answer, he fainted from the sheer shock that THE Floyd Potter was talking to him. Floyd shrugged, and left the room, making his way to the Great Hall to eat breakfast, ignoring the screaming girls and the paparazzi following him. He made his way to the Slytherin table, and sat down next to his best friend Draco.  
  
"Hello Floyd" Draco said, without looking towards his friend. He was engulfed in an issue of some paper. "Says here your cousins causing some trouble over in America" he said, amused.  
  
"Yes, thank God we got rid of him" Floyd said, grinning.  
  
"Funny you should word it that way..." Draco began, but then drifted off, reading again. Floyd looked around. He was the most popular student at Hogwarts, it was easy to tell. He had never disliked his cousin, until he had made sure he was excluded from every story about Hogwarts life. That was just plan rude to steal the spotlight like that. Oh well, he would get over it.  
  
"So, where do you think the old man is?" Floyd asked, looking around the room. Draco simply shrugged and continued reading.  
  
Floyd, who, I should mention, has a bad case of bipolar disorder, suddenly leapt up and screamed at Draco "Why won't you talk to me anymore?! Why can't things be like they used to?! Just because...just because...aarrrgghhh!"  
  
"Bloody hell, Floyd, stop being such a diva," Draco said, slurping milk though his cornflakes and not even looking up, causing Floyd to run form the room in tears.  
  
A third year girl ran up to Draco and shouted "Don't you know how hard it is on him being a star?" and slapped him across the face. Draco hardly flinched and the fan girl ran after Floyd, nearly in tears from all of the empathy that she was experiencing. "I know you're a real person, Floyd! I just want to be your friend!"  
  
ALL OF A SUDDEN....The lights went out! ooohhhh And when they came back on....Draco was gone! gasp (yeah, yeah, detail can kiss my bum)  
  
As the students began to calm down Hermione's voice screamed, "Oh my goodness! Look at the wall!" Everyone whirled around to look at the wall. "Not that one you idiots! The one covered in blood!"  
  
"Which one?" asked Dean Thomas  
  
"That one! The one that mos def says "Floyd is mine" in blood!"  
  
"Where?"  
  
"There are only four walls, you idiot, and you've looked at three!"  
  
"Well it's not my fault you aren't specific"  
  
"Just look already, everyone!"  
  
"Oh my God! That wall! It says "Floyd is mine" in blood!"  
  
At this point Hermione killed herself with a metal spork. (That's right! A metal spork! Isn't that neat?!)  
  
Somewhere kinda far away, Harry Potter woke up with a gasp. "Not again..." he groaned, looking down at his shee...oh...wait...children's story. Right. Anyway. Harry said "Argh, I think something happened to one of my old friends!" and then he went back to sleep, never thinking of it again.  
  
Deep in the walls of Hogwarts...there was some stone. But deep under Hogwarts there was a dark force to be reckoned with! And Loyd Potter just happened to be lost and hunting for a bathroom...  
  
I apologize for all of this...Lauren is coming over on Friday and thus my inspiration will come back. This will become wonderful again, and you all shall be happy.  
  
As always, some of the ideas have been inspired by the wonderful Lauren. We share a sick sense of humor, and the tie of blood. And for any of you that would be appalled by me throwing in some mild slash relationships, please comment with requests not to. It's just a thought. 


End file.
